A Valley Like This.

A poem by William Stafford sits atop Washington Pass in the Cascades. I read this beautiful poem this weekend just after I had gazed into the gorgeous valley below and peeked at the craggy spires above this pass for this first time. I almost cried after reading it:

A Valley Like This

Sometimes you look at an empty valley like this,
and suddenly the air is filled with snow.
That is the way the whole world happened
-there was nothing, and then...

But maybe sometimes you will look out and even
the mountains are gone, the world become nothing
again. What can a person do to help
bring back the world?

We have to watch and then look at each other.
Together we hold it close and carefully
save it, like a bubble that can disappear
if we don't watch out.

Please think about this as you go on. Breathe on the world.
Hold out your hands to it. When mornings and evenings
roll along watch how they open and close, how they
invite you to the long party your life is.

--William Stafford

I will post a picture here, eventually, of the pass so you can see for yourself.

Happy July 4th!

Just got back from viewing the excellent fireworks in a neighboring (small) town...very fun and brings back such nice memories of when I was a child. Ahhhhh...

Couple of things I keep forgetting to mention...

First of all, I finally was able to do a single pick-up in tap a few weeks ago! I couldn't believe it! I had never even tried them as I had so much trouble learning double pick-ups but, S, my teacher encouraged me to attempt them and -- WOW -- I can do them!

Secondly, Munchkin and I attended the wedding reception of my boss last weekend. It was fun but the coolest thing was the band! A group called The Tallboys played old-time swing music and the guitarist was also a clogger! She actually clogged at times while she played guitar, serving as the percussionist for the group! Now, if you know me you know that I am not a big fan of nor am I very knowledgable about swing music or bluegrass but these guys were fun and that girl was amazing! Yay, cloggers! I have no idea what clogging really is but it sure looked a lot like tap dancing to me.

Thirdly, I'm back at Intermediate Tap this summer. It is fast and difficult but not as overwhelming as last year. I definitely can manage it better and it is more fun now, too. I think the online work I've been doing to learn more tap is helping me. I wish I had time to take more classes. I did do an online class this afternoon and tried to improvise a bit to an old Macy Gray CD (I forgot that my iPod was within easy reach). I need to do that (improvise) more often, too.

Well, that's it...almost midnight and I am exhausted! Good night!

Kool Kreme?? Now, do we really need this??

Okay, so you already know that I love donuts. Krispy Kreme are not my favorites but--hey--when you don't have Dunkin Donuts anywhere in a thousand mile radius you'll take them. I really don't get donuts often but a handful of times per year I get a bad jonesing for them and break down and buy a couple (or three!).

ANYway...I digress. An ad arrived w/the junk mail today. Krispy Kreme is now selling ice cream called Kool Kreme. It's soft serve. Sounds fine and all but they also have Donut Sundaes. Ugh. Do we really need a sundae built around (or on top of) a freakin' donut, folks? Or, perhaps even worse, Caramel Apple Fritter Sundaes or Kool Dogs (maple bars filled with ice cream)? Even *I* am totally disgusted by these combinations.

That said, however, I might be coerced into trying the soft serve in the version of a small vanilla cone!

Last Day of Preschool...

Wow, how bittersweet is that? Weird that three years have flown by so quickly. Odd to feel so glad about not having to shell out our $600+/month for preschool and not having to deal with some issues which have developed at this school over time (minor but still concerning)...at the same time feeling sadness that it's "over"...that, come Fall, Munchkin will enter an entirely new building, meeting brand new friends, developing a trusting relationship with a totally new teacher, learning a new routine and new curriculum. Sadness that these teachers whom we have come to trust will no longer even be nearby to comfort Munchkin if she is scared or hurt. Sadness that the beloved Ms T will not be there.

It was such a special period of growth for Munchkin. Ms T and Ms R both told me today that there are some kids who just are "your favorites" and that Munchkin is one of theirs. Ms T has told me that since year #1 when she would send Munchkin home with a whole box of tissues under her arm...recognizing that Munchkin needed a transitional object long before I did. She said that in her 15+ yrs of teaching two kids are her very most special favorites--one of them is Munchkin. What a warm feeling. I cried hugging her goodbye today. I think even Munchkin "got it" when she was saying goodbye to everyone. I think she is full of excitement and anticipation for Kindergarten but will be nervous and timid and scared when the day comes. As will I.

This whole parenting thing just tears at my heartstrings.

Father's Day!!

Happy Father's Day to my sweet and special dh, BikeBoy!! He is obviously loved by his little Munchkin as she just awoke calling his name! :)

And thinking about my dad, Vince, and my FIL, "Pop," today, too...wishing they were here in the physical world with us still...how they are missed. I will call my step-dad (who is 86!) once Munchkin is out of bed.

And to all you fathers out there, may your day be joyous and filled with love and hugs and kisses from those you love the most.

And, I can not end a post without mentioning food...Munchkin and I decided to get dh donuts for Father's Day. He used to love them and eat them every weekend but when he overhauled his diet/exercise routine a few yrs ago donuts got crossed off the list. He still loves them but never eats them. Well, I found delicious organic ones at the natural foods store and bought them...the cinnamon sugar ones are to die for...they taste the most like my Uncle Bob's homemade donuts. So here's the link: http://www.mightyo.com/ Go ahead...drool! :D

The verdict is in...I will live to see another day!

Okay, so earlier this week I developed a huge lump in my throat...you know?, the kind you get when you are about to cry? Only it didn't go away. My throat had been really sore for about 2-3 days which I wasn't too worried about after having a bad sinus infection which turned into reactive airway and being on various antibiotics and steroids all month along w/inhalers, etc. Then on Monday I ate a bite of a quesadilla...it didn't seem hot at all when I bit into it, just warm as it sat on my tongue...then I swallowed and it felt intensely painful in my throat. It hurt a minute or so but felt better after a few sips of cold water. I didn't really think much about it afterward.

So, the next evening, I am trying to eat supper and feel as though the food is barely able to slip down my throat. It hurt like hell. I really only briefly thought of the "quesadilla incident" from the day before. I palpate my throat...I feel a lump, it is painful to touch, it hurts to cough, it hurts to move my neck/head. Think about how painful a case of strep throat is, right? Well, take that and multiply it by at least 5 on the intensity scale and you've got what I was feeling. It was absolutely horrendous...I actually cried about it after putting Mia to bed...I even had to take 2 XS Ibuprofen.

I looked on the internet (I know, big mistake, huge...). I either have a muscle spasm in my throat or I am dying of thyroid cancer which mysteriously manifested overnight. Whatever it is, it sucks.

I called my ENT the next day...no appointments available. I suck it up and resolve to see what happens. I go about my merry life but am barely eating because anything (and I do mean ANYthing, including liquids) hurts like a knife slicing my throat open. In fact, I wonder if I ask McDonald's to take a rolling pin and flatten my tiny hamburger into a more pancake-like state if they will think I am weird! On Thursday I call the ENT back and see if they have any cancellations...they did, for Friday. I can wait another day.

By Friday, the lump sensation was gone but the throat was still intensely painful. I go to the ENT (who is awesome, btw). She does the usual scope but this time passes it all the way through and down into my throat. She said it looks like I burned/seared my larynx. She said the food probably wasn't that hot...that if I had eaten it three months ago when my larynx wasn't already irritated and inflamed from being sick for a month it wouldn't have done anything at all but my larynx was primed for injury. The bad news...there's nothing to be done about it. The good news...despite the excrutiating pain the burn is not severe and it will heal on it's own...in a month or so.

So, I am relieved. Tonight it still hurts but each day is a little better and what other more fantastic excuse could I have for having a daily milkshake (something I never ever treat myself to)?? I have had 2 in the past two days and it has been like a little treasure! That's got to be the silver lining in all this! :D

Kids' music that doesn't suck...

I abhor kids' music which sounds like kids' music. So much of it sucks. It's just too cutesy and annoying to me. We have tried to introduce Munchkin to lots of different styles (rock, blues, jazz, classical, opera, an occasional foray into K-pop...). She likes a little of everything and has her favorites (Aerosmith!). But, when we are in the car we often listen to Kids' Stuff on Sirius. We have found some new favorites there and also on iTunes. Here are some of our current favs in no particular order:

• Peter Himmelman: "Feet" and "My Green Kite"
• Asylum Street Spankers: "You Only Love Me for My Lunchbox" (watch out, though, as these guys only have one family-friendly album out...lots of their other tunes have the "explicit lyrics" tag!)...this song is my current personal favorite as it has a very bluesy feel to it!
• The Dream Jam Band: "Look Around"
• Medeski, Martin & Wood: "Where's the Music?" and "Let's Go Everywhere"
• The Sippy Cups: "Magic Toast" and "Use Your Words"
• Brady Rymer: "Pie" and "Road Trip"...okay so "Pie" might be tied for my favorite! I love that song!
• Uncle Rock: "I'm a Fire Engine"

We also love Ralph of Ralph's World--he puts on a rockin' show (really rock show-like). A local guy we love is Eric Ode--very family friendly songs and a very nice guy in person, too. Most of Laurie Berkner's music is fun even if it is sometimes too cutesy and lots of Dan Zanes' tunes are good, too (some are a little too folksy or sad sounding to me but there are others I love...like "Malti").

I even have a whole playlist on the iPod just for Munchkin's songs (and we listen to it together when we are on plane rides!). It's really quite enjoyable if you are picky about what you listen to!

Chalk another one up for acupressure...

Okay, so Munchkin had been constipated for 2 days this weekend...firm belly, complaining about a sore tummy, etc. I decided to try an acupressure treatment (specifically for constipation) on her. It was hard to do because she is so fidget-y and ticklish but I managed to get to most of the points for a total of about 5-6 minutes. I offered to do some abdominal massage but she wouldn't let me. We went outside to do some yardwork (well, I was going to do yardwork, she was going to color the driveway w/sidewalk chalk!!). A few minutes later she yells, "Mom! I have to poop!"

So...there you have it. I don't understand it but it has worked every time I've used it on someone thus far, for whatever reason (pain, fatigue, etc.). I need to learn more, don't I??

BikeBoy was shot w/a pellet gun tonight...

He bike commutes often between our house and the office (maybe 12 miles, one way). He was about 2 miles from home tonight and a car w/teens in it passed him on the parkway (it's a 55 mph zone) and the passenger leaned out and fired shots at BikeBoy. He got hit by 5 or 6 in his butt, leg, and arm. He is okay just has some good sized welts...thank goodness they weren't using bullets or aiming for his head/eyes. He didn't get their plate number but I told him he needs to report it to the police in the a.m. anyway...he can at least give a basic description of the car and maybe the police can keep a lookout that it might happen to someone else.I was worried as he was supposed to be home to go w/Munchkin and me to her spring concert and had called to tell me he'd be home around 6:15...we waited until 6:30 and had to go...I had a feeling something happened and I hated to leave. He really was fine, though, and still made it in time for the show. It just sucks, sometimes, this weird world in which we live. I'm just so thankful tonight. So very thankful.

Tap

I am addicted once again. What is it about tap that makes me so freakin' happy? I don't know if it's the rhythm or the concentration it takes or the music or what but it's all good.

I signed up for two different online tap classes within the past month:

http://www.tapdancemadeeasy.com/
http://www.etapdance.com/

Both instructors, Eli and Terrence "Taps," respectively, are awesome. The videographers have done a wonderful job showing the steps, the music is good on Eli's (I don't think I've tapped to music yet on Taps' site), the steps can be challenging on both sites. It really helps to have somewhere to "go" when I feel like learning something new or if I can't make it for my weekly fix at the studio near me.

These lessons are also teaching me some new combinations of steps to add to my repertoire for when my real-life instructor has us do improv. She has started to make us do a bit at the end of each lesson recently. It's scary and hard but also fun and challenging...it sounds easy but coming up with the rhythm to fill two or four bars of music (and make it look even slightly cool!) is difficult.

I also recently set a goal for myself...don't laugh...I want to start teaching tap sometime within the next eight years. Why eight years? Well, because, by then I will have tapped for 10 yrs (not counting the 5 yrs I tapped from age 5 through 9). By then I should have some of this improv stuff figured out and maybe I can begin to choreograph some simple routines. I don't even hope to teach at a real studio but maybe to offer an adult rhythm tap class through a community continuing ed type program. Wouldn't that be fun? Or to own some type of business (like a jazz/blues coffee house) where we could offer live tap jams every weekend? That would be such a thrill! :)

Anyway, off to see if any of the tap studios around here are doing anything for National Tap Dance Day on May 5th (Mr. Bojangles' birthday!)...

Punishment...

I was chatting w/my cousin tonight (while Munchkin wailed over the kid monitor upstairs, in a time out). D says she remembers she and her sister had to sit in a chair in a kind of time out once in a while. I do not remember being punished as a child. Am I blocking it out? I must've been naughty at times, right?

I remember getting yelled at once by my dad when I was playing in the kitchen w/our dog while Mom was cooking...Dad kept telling me to stop it or leave the room because I would get hurt. Sure enough, the oven door was open (we had an eye-level oven so the door was higher up than some)...I wasn't paying attention and backed into the oven door, burning my scapula. Dad yelled at me (must've been an "I told you that was gonna happen" type thing). And even though the burn blistered and hurt like heck I remember crying because he had yelled at me (he never yelled--I mean really *never* yelled).

The only other time I remember one of them mad at me was when I took a pack of Dad's Lucky Strikes and started tearing them up and throwing them into the trash. My mom was mad because she said that was the only enjoyment he had left in life and I shouldn't take them away from him. Of course, since he was lying in a rented hospital bed in our living room dying of lung cancer at the time, I guess it really didn't matter did it. Lucky Strikes a/k/a "Luckies." Funny name for tiny cigarettes that kill, isn't it?

And the verdict on my jury duty exemption request is...

(and I quote directly from the Jury Supervisor's email to me:)

"You’ve been excused. Best wishes."

What a relief. This time.

My perfect house...

Besides containing Munchkin and BikeBoy it would also:

• have a soundproofed music room (including recording studio)
• have a 4 car garage (mostly for all our stuff!)
• have a lap pool, weight room, cardio fitness area, racquetball court, tap floor
• have space for my own office (where I could also actually see clients at home!) and one for BikeBoy, too
• have a library room
• have a master BR/bath (with sunken tub)
• have 2 fairly large bedrooms (one for each kiddo) and a shared bath between them
• have an extra spare bedroom just for guests (with its own bath and sitting area)
• have a craft/playroom
• have a central courtyard that would be circular and grassy
• have an ocean view
• have a mountain view
• have a city skyscraper view
• be on at least 5 acres of gently rolling hills and come with a landscaper/gardener who would teach me things so I could get out there and learn what to do!
• be within 1 mile of (so we could walk to...): a pizza place, a coffee shop, a Mexican restaurant, a grocery store with a huge organic/natural foods section, the library, all schools that Munchkin would attend K-12, a post office, my job, a tap dance studio, a movie theatre, a symphony, a blues club, an ice skating rink
• be green (as in eco-friendly not as in painted green!)

I'll think of more, I'm sure. How impossible does that all sound???

Random notes...

Lots of things tonight:

First of all, thank goodness my friend B, got the all clear after her breast biopsy this week. Yippee! Now...I'm still sending lots of be-well thoughts to my dear cousin, D, for next week...fingers are crossed for her biopsy, too.

Secondly, I have found my birthday present for this year:

Is that a cool shoe or what??!! It is one of the only tap shoes which can be custom made to accomodate an orthotic! Woohoo! My tootsies will be in tap-heaven. I love the fact that the sole is so thick already--no need to have it built-up--and I think the sound will be clearer due to the weight of the shoe itself. So...BikeBoy, if you're reading this, start saving for September! ;)

Which brings me to thirdly...I'm back at tap again. I haven't been since November. Munchkin got sick, then I got sick, then the holidays were here, then I got sick again, then I had to go to Maine to help Mom, then BikeBoy was out of town...I've been back to the Tap 1/2 class with my previous instructor and it is so fun! It's easier but she pushes me to pick up the tempo a bit when we do the across-the-floor stuff so it's all good. We also spent a fair amount of time doing improv the other night. Scares the hell out of me every time! You'd think 2 or 4 measures of a song wouldn't be a big deal but just try filling it up with some cool moves/sounds. Yikes. I did okay, though, but I need to work at it more at home, I think. I might attempt Intermediate Tap again this summer after I've been back at it a while again.

And now, fourthly: How do professional singers manage to run all over the stage while belting out a tune? My respect for entertainers like Mick Jagger just went up a notch. I have been walking/jogging on the treadmill for the past few weeks...it's in an enclosed sunroom in our house. I wear my iPod and have it all lined up with an array of great rock tunes. This is the first time I've ever walked/run somewhere where I can sing aloud. Well, this was an eye opener! I can't seem to keep my breathing even enough to sing properly. It's very difficult. I'm reaching back to the days of voice lessons w/a vocal coach (sidenote: bet anyone who knows me doesn't even know I ever HAD a vocal coach and took voice lessons now did you??!! It certainly wouldn't be apparent if you hear me sing!) and I can't think of enough tips to make the sound come out steadily. It kind of ebbs and flows depending on how fast I am walking/jogging. I honestly don't know how they do it (and now I really understand why some of them lamely lip-sync instead).

And finally fifthly. We got the word on Kindergarten today. Our school district holds a lottery for all families who request full-day K. When I picked Munchkin up from Preschool today other moms had gotten their phone calls and were practically high-fiving each other in the parking lot they were so excited about getting all-day. Well, we, too had entered the lottery for all-day Kindy this Fall. I got home today, expecting to have a phone message to let us know if we got in or not. No message. I called the school district and left a message for them and about 5 minutes later they called me back. There were 59 families requesting all-day K, 42 slots were randomly filled, and 17 families went onto a waitlist. Guess what number we are? Yeah...#17. So, I now have to figure out how to arrange to work while Munchkin attends school for only 2.5 hours/day (as compared with 6 hours/day that she has been attending preschool for the past 3 yrs). I think there's a before/after-school program we can check out. I hope so, then I could still work a couple of days a week because--I know 2 hours a day won't cut it at my job. But...on a good note, I will have more time to spend w/Munchkin which, in this day and age, seems to be a rare thing. This is good! She's growing up too fast as it is.

Five years ago this morning...

was the best phone call of my life! Our agency called me at work at 8:30 a.m. to let me know that Munchkin had all her paperwork in order and was coming home to us in TWO days! I shrieked out loud I was so excited! I was nervous and happy and busy...BikeBoy and I had hardly prepared for Munchkin's arrival. I was very superstitious that something would happen (after years of infertility and delays in becoming parents) so we had a few things but hadn't set up the nursery at all yet. In fact, BikeBoy went out the day before Munchkin's arrival to buy a crib/changing table then--on the morning of her arrival when he attempted to set it up--he found a major piece of the crib was missing! Yikes! The store wasn't even open yet and our baby was coming in 6 hours and we didn't have a crib! BikeBoy called the store anyway and, thankfully, some kind soul answered the phone and told him to bring the crib back and he would meet BikeBoy at the front door with a replacement even though they weren't open yet! Mission was accomplished, thank goodness. :)

More to follow on March 6th (if I have time!!!)...we usually celebrate Family Day (or Airplane Day) so we may be too busy to post here but I'll try! I just can't believe it has been 5 yrs already.

Damned democracy!

I got a summons for jury duty Saturday...it's for a specific case beginning 3/21 and estimated to last 7 (yes, SEVEN!) weeks. F*&$! I was so pissed off I threw the summons on the floor and stomped on it, threatening to tear it up and throw it away...then I realized Munchkin was still in the room and saw me freaking out (WTG, Mama... ).

In all honesty, I have always wanted to serve on a jury...especially when I was younger and had no kids. I was summonsed in 1987 by a court in my homestate just after I had moved to a big city in another state. Then I was summonsed in 1999 in a major city when I had taken time off because Mom was coming to visit--that got me a postponement then they summonsed me again when I was moving from there to another state.

Well--right now--I don't have 7 weeks to give. I don't have childcare on Tuesdays/Thursdays and BikeBoy cannot work from home twice a week for 7 weeks, KWIM? We are supposed to take a few days away in April (no confirmed plans yet but we have the time off). I already have patients scheduled through the end of this month (they book about 4-6 weeks in advance so three weeks notice of jury duty is not much time to prepare). One of the other two PTs I work with begins her 3 months of maternity leave 10 days after I'm supposed to start jury duty which will cause problems at work. And--they said I will be paid $10/day--I have no idea if my company will pay me the difference as I am technically a "per diem" employee (although I have almost always worked between 10-15 hrs per week for the past 2.5 yrs). So, does this all constitute a request for an exemption or whatever it's called? Which excuse do I use or do I just list them all in order of importance!?

I have now calmed down but I did read online that if you don't show up (assuming they will excuse me this time but not forever) you can get a hefty fine ($750) and/or up to 6 months in jail. Which would suck even more. What do people without childcare do??? Munchkin may not be in school full-time for another 1.5 yrs so I can't even plan on rescheduling within the next 12 months.

Crap. Stay tuned as I make my request to be excused...either that or I'm taking Munchkin and heading to Canada!! ;)

All things Maine...

Being home this weekend brought lots of memories to mind. Mostly food-related but, if you know me, this should not be a surprise! :)

Italian sandwiches: so delicious! They are soft, foot-long buns filled with thinly sliced deli ham, white American cheese, pickles, black olives, onions, tomatoes, green peppers, salt/pepper, and a drizzle of olive oil. I bought one to eat for lunch at Pat's Pizza on my last day there...saved half of it to eat on the plane on the way back. The only thing is--Italian sandwiches smell somewhat like B.O. I'm not sure how this happens but if you smell this scent under the armpit of a scruffy-looking guy on the subway it will disgust you...but if you are gazing at one of these sandwiches the same scent will make you drool. Not kidding.

Whoopie pies: two chocolate cake/cookie mounds glued together with creamy white filling. Usually the size of softballs or big hamburgers I tried some called Betty Reez Whoopiez (also at Pat's) and they were "wicked awesome!" The cake part was more like a chewy chocolate brownie cookie...not exactly traditional but they were so yummy I called Betty Reez tonight at home in Freeport, Maine to ask her if she will ship some here when I next have a craving (the answer was "yes"). Also not kidding. I found some recipes online and Munchkin and I will make some tomorrow (since I ate the last of the ones I bought to bring home with me already...except the one BikeBoy is saving--if I don't make more tomorrow I would probably try to eat his).

Vacationland ad campaign: I remember this advertising campaign from the late 60's or very early 70s when I was a little kid. Do you remember when states were abbreviated by a combination of upper- and lowercase letters (like: Calif., Colo., Fla., Mass., etc.)? Well Maine's abbreviation was "Me." They started this whole ad campaign to get more tourists to come here...they devised individual brochures and they would be all displayed in a rack at the AAA office in Portland. They would proclaim: "Ski Me." or "Hike Me." or "Swim Me." or "Shop Me." etc. I remember they (whoever the bigger "they" was at the time) decided that the ads were too provacative or something and the brochures were pulled, campaign stopped. I wish I had saved some of those ads as I thought they were kind of cool, at the time.

Dunkin Donuts: okay so I have been home twice in the past 7 months and didn't stop there either time but they are the best. Sorry Krispy Kreme--I love you, too, but not so much! DD's are on every street corner in New England...much like Starbuck's is on every corner here in the great PNW. I am still craving a glazed, a jelly-filled, and a chocolate glazed. My three favorites. If I hadn't had my carryon full of Whoopie Pies already I would've made one last pitstop on the way to the airport.

Ice cream: why is it that there is hardly a place here in the PNW which sells homemade ice cream? It's all over the place in Maine. Yummy, creamy, dreamy ice cream. My favorites, in no particular order are: peach, ginger, and grapenut. If I stop at a roadside shop which sells all three of these it is a true dilemma and I will usually at least get a double-dip cone!

Indian Pudding: Okay, to be p.c. I should probably change it's name to Native American Pudding. The recipe I have uses cornflakes and is so yummy (molasses is in there, too, and it cooks over a double boiler)...served warm w/vanilla ice cream on top.

That's it...just dreaming about being home!

Trip Summary...

Well, I'm back. It was a whirlwind tour, to say the least. I got to see some of my favorite people on earth (cousin D and her new digs!; cousin D and her fam--which includes the famous Baby D who has now become a handsome toddler!!; U's D and H, A's J, H, and A, and cousin T) along with my mom and UG, of course! I saw each of my aunts/uncles/cousins for about an hour--not nearly long enough but better then nothing, right. And D has the cutest house ever--I told her how jealous I was and she doesn't believe me (because she thinks her house is so tiny, etc) but it is just lovely and I am envious--to have a place of one's own?...my dream.

I got to visit my "big brother" E's gravesite, too. He's been gone almost 3 yrs and this was the first time I had a chance to see it. The cemetary was actually closed because of the snow but I climbed over the gate and walked in. It's in a beautiful location in a field on a hill near the farm where his first wife grew up. His stone has beautiful etchings on it (of a police car and of his badge). As I touched the top of the stone and started "talking" to him a huge deer crashed out of the bushes near me and bounded gracefully across the field/cemetary. It scared the hell out of me and immediately made my tears turn to laughter! I asked E, "Are you trying to tell me something?!" But anyway, it was cathartic (in the emotionally purging sense of the word only!). I miss him. He would be 57 this May and it's not fair.

The biggest thing was that Mom and I got a lot accomplished. We met w/her financial consultant and visited 3 nursing homes/assisted living centers in hopes of locating something for UG. All three centers were very nice (so much nicer than where AS spent the last two years of her wonderful life--that made me sad). They didn't smell like nursing homes. The staff was friendly. I didn't overhear anyone screaming or any of the staff acting impatient with the residents. All three places, however, are over $4500/month. Wow. Not that I wasn't expecting that but the reality bites, let me tell you. One of the centers does not take medicaid either so...if/when the private pay dollars run out then UG would have to leave. The other two will take medicaid when the private pay dollars are gone but they both have longer waiting lists. So...we put UG on the waiting lists at two centers and will submit an application to be on the waiting list for the 3rd. In the meantime, Mom has located an adult daycare which charges $8/hour and she can drop UG off there up to 6 hours a day, Monday through Friday! Woohoo! She says she may schedule him for one full day a week there so that she can have some time to herself to get other things done or to just take a break. The $8/hour is cheaper than what she pays the two CNAs who do some private work for her ($15-20/hour). With the combination of the CNAs and the daycare I think Mom can finally see some relief headed her way.

Now, onto my opinions of things. I had no idea how much the home situation sucks for Mom. I haven't stayed at their house with them in about 4 years so I hadn't witnessed any of it recently. She fixes all the meals, she prepares all his medications (of which there is a whole slew). She takes his blood sugar and monitors his blood pressure. She makes sure he changes his depends frequently and that there are pads on his bed, his chair, and in the car in case his depends leak. She supervises his ambulation w/the walker. He is so unsteady (I think it's due to his neuropathy) that he is a wiggly, wobbly mess. He throws the walker up over the step from the breezeway into the kitchen then makes a big lunging lurch to heave his body up onto the step, too. It is just an accident waiting to happen (which will probably break his hip and cause him to be hospitalized). He can't remember crap.

Then mom is doing things like giving him options when he eats. Of course he's going to choose the cookies if she offers them...then he asks for 3. Of course he chooses the mac 'n' cheese, 2 rolls, and a piece of squash pie at the diner. This is not the proper food for someone w/diabetes but he doesn't really give a shit at this point (my opinion). He wants what he wants, you know? He's 86...what's it gonna do?...shorten his life by a day or two? Whatever. Then Mom gets short-tempered w/him for making bad choices (but she gives him the 3 cookies and lets him order the mac'n'cheese anyway). She gets irritated when he forgot to put another pad under himself during the night after he wet through his depends--the bed linens and the mattress were soaked requiring Mom to do even more laundry than she already has to do.

I see her lose her temper with him (and it reminds me of how I sometimes lose mine w/Munchkin)...it's not pretty...it's not how you should treat someone you love--but I do understand and I think it is normal. It just wasn't pleasant to witness. She's tired, she's frustrated and she needs help. I told her that if any of these NHs/ALCs has a spot open up we should just take it and move him in. It would be so much easier on her. I was stressed out just watching him walk around. He sometimes forgets the walker and starts to walk away or will start getting out of the car before Mom is there w/the walker. Yikes.

And Mom's driving. Yikes there, too. I drove most of the time but I wanted to see how she was doing so I let her drive a little the final day there. Eek. I definitely wouldn't want to ride w/her. I would NEVER let her take Munchkin anywhere, that's for sure. I don't know how much longer she will be able to do it on her own either--then they'll really be screwed, won't they?

I told BikeBoy, on the phone, that if I ever get to the state that UG is in right now he has my complete permission to give me an overdose of any drug which will kill me. Really. I would not want to live the way UG is living--he sits all day, he doesn't watch tv, he doesn't read much, he doesn't listen to his CD player any more, he just sits. And repeats himself when he talks--and he doesn't talk much, doesn't really converse much or initiate conversation. And sits some more. And then staggers scarily through the house to get to the bathroom or to the dining room where he eats and sits even more. Not many smiles or much laughter around the house. It was just hugely depressing to see him deteriorate so much since last August. And to see their relationship evolve from husband/wife to patient/caregiver.

Anyway, that's the long and dirty story! I'm so glad I went...we are more informed now and I think Mom was relieved that there are some options in the future. It was so good to see them and the rest of my family. It was good to eat an Italian sandwich, some whoopie pies and grapenut pudding! :) It was nice to have some "alone" time on the plane. I read most of two books (The Out of Sync Child and more of Parenting Beyond Belief). I watched the movie "Waitress" on my iPod (kind of boring, don't recommend it but it was a good diversion), listened to lots of songs, played a gazillion games of solitaire.... It was nice not having to think about anything else for a few hours. Now I'm back to reality--so good to be home w/Munchkin and BikeBoy--I couldn't wait to give them big hugs and kisses at the airport last night!

1960's and 1970's TV...

I was thinking about some of my favorite tv shows from when I was a child...when my dad was still alive and I would occasionally get to stay up a little later to watch something while sitting in his lap. Like Family Affair or Hazel or That Girl. How about Flipper, Rin Tin Tin, Lassie, Leave it to Beaver, Ozzie and Harriet, I Dream of Jeannie, Petticoat Junction, Beverly Hillbillies, Gomer Pyle, Andy What-was-His-Name?, Mr. Ed, F Troop, Hogan's Heroes.

Then later on, junior high-ish?, watching The Partridge Family and The Brady Bunch on Friday nights. Or Love: American Style, Laugh-In, All in the Family, The Jeffersons, Mary Tyler Moore, The (original) Bob Newhart Show, M*A*S*H, Happy Days.

I went to Amazon.com and checked out what is available now on DVD. At least a season or two is available for most of these shows! I was in heaven just looking around (while my coffee wears of so I can go to bed!).

Mind you, I already have 2 seasons of Bewitched--one of my old favorites and Munchkin even loves watching an episode with me now and then. In fact, when she was an infant, BikeBoy was away for a weekend visiting his terminally ill mom and Munchkin and I were both really sick. Nick-at-night was running all the episodes of Bewitched in order for an entire weekend. My sick little Munchkin and I snuggled practically all weekend on the couch, watching episode after episode of Bewitched. Even today, if I put in the DVD and she hears that theme song ("dah dum, dah dum, dah dah dah dah dah dum...") she comes running from the hinterlands to check it out! How funny that she remembers that!

And last weekend an old Lassie movie was on the TMC on cable and BikeBoy, Munchkin and I caught the last 30 minutes after coming home from the park. We all loved it! I forgot how much I loved that sweet show. TV back then was so different from current shows...so naive and protected. Maybe it brings back feelings in me of a time when I was naive and protected...especially those very early shows when my dad was alive and I had not a care in my tiny world. Then I remembered that, after he died, I watched Family Affair with a new mindset--that I was half an orphan and that I knew a little bit of how Buffy, Jody, and Cissy must have felt.

And, on that note...goodnight!

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout...

http://notsocalm.wordpress.com/

Adoptive parents wearing hanboks. I don't like it. I won't ever do it. I think it is wrong, personally, although some of my friends obviously don't think that it is since they do it.

Thank goodness for Mee Hee Park's comment and Sang-Shil's response to it on 1/12 and 1/13 (see the post from 1/11 "Who's Your Appa?"). I've never voiced my opinion on this before (other than here!)--too embarrassed that my opinion will offend/hurt my friends but I never thought about the act of wearing the hanbok as being truly offensive to Korean adoptees themselves. I have thought that they might think it was odd but I never imagined that it might go deeper than that. How timely is this, too, since when we were asked by one of the local Korean Adoptee/Family organizations (which runs the Lunar New Year celebration and a summer camp program) to attend a ceremony for Korean-American Day at the State Capitol Building last weekend (which we missed, unfortunately) we were told that adults should basically wear-em-if-you've-got-em (regarding hanboks, that is)...so they wanted the adoptive families in their hanboks, too.

I always think that much of Munchkin's culture is to be shared...Korean art, Korean music, Korean traditions, Korean food. But I feel so uncomfortable at the thought of wearing Korean traditional dress--I feel that privilege is hers and hers alone and that it is almost irreverent for me to even think of it.

OTOH, I do have a necklace which says "mom" in Korean on it...I wear it often and love it. I never ever thought that this made me Munchkin's Korean Mom or that I somehow replaced her Korean Mom by wearing the necklace with the word on it. It makes me think twice about that now. I may still wear it but at least I'm mindfully wearing it now when I do. We don't call Munchkin's birthmom Umma we refer to her as Birth Mama or Korean Mom and sometimes First Mom.

And, JFTR, I do consider our family unit to be Korean now. Just as --when BikeBoy and I married-- I considered our family to be Irish/Native American (both via BikeBoy) as well as French-Canadian/English/Scottish (all via me)...we are now partly Korean as a family, too. But that does not make ME a Korean-American, nor does it make Munchkin a Korean-American-French-Canadian-Irishman. She is Korean by birth, American by citizenship so she is, therefore, Korean-American now. That's it.

So, a big thank you to Sang-Shil and Mee Hee Park for their thoughts which I had the opportunity to read today! I have Sang-Shil's blog on my feeds list now--hoping to learn more (or at least open my eyes more!).

Ethiopia is looking more and more promising...

BikeBoy and I have been talking a lot this week about the adoption of child #2. I think we will end up pursuing an older child (like maybe 4 years old, another girl) from Ethiopia. I am trying to do a bit of research while we wait (wait to decide if/when we're moving back East to help out my mom more; wait to decide to totally rule out our planned China adoption secondary to the 4-5 yr expected waits).

I have asked my friend B about her experiences due to my worries about safe travels in/out of Ethiopia. It's a little scary to me since the country is surrounded by other countries which are in turmoil...it is within 500 miles of Sudan, Somalia, Eritrea, Uganda and only a couple of thousand miles from Afganistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Iran... Not that 2K miles or even 500 miles is very close but it is close enough to be within the same country if we were here in the US, KWIM? And the fact that there doesn't seem to be a friendly border at all with Ethiopia (and no way out via water either) makes me a little claustrophobic.

At the same time, though, I am getting very interested in this beautiful country and it's people. I wish BikeBoy and Munchkin could go with me but--assuming we do continue with this process--it's doubtful that we can all go (too much money, too hard a trip for Munchkin, etc.). It will be weird to meet our new child by myself. I may see if one of my close cousins or friends can travel with me if we can't go as a family.

And, I need to familiarize myself with the adoption of older children and with the care of African hair! Munchkin's hair is so thick, straight and smooth...very different from my hair and very different from her future sister's hair! What a journey this may be! Please keep your fingers crossed. We probably will not make a firm decision until mid-2008.

Los Santos Reyes Festival...

A belated post to say how fun this festival was! We attended at the invitation of another family (family whose daughter takes piano lessons w/Munchkin) and it was such a neat time! It started with an hour-long show featuring a play about "Los Santos Reyes"...kind of a second Christmas that Hispanic people celebrate--the Three Kings bring gifts for the children. That was cute (it was performed by students from the local elementary school) and was followed by dancers in Mexican costumes performing to recorded Mariachi music...beautifully done! Then there was a Mexican dinner...beans and rice, soft shredded pork tacos, spicy chicken pasta, churros and cookies. THEN...all the children in attendance had been given a raffle number as they entered...when we walked into the cafeteria to eat our food we saw that one whole wall of the room was packed with wrapped gifts! Well, the called out numbers until every child in the room went home with a wrapped present! Most gifts were reasonably small (like Munchkin's: a few pieces of candy, some Dora the Exploratrice holiday ornaments, and a tennis ball) but there were a few huge boxes and several big pinatas! At any rate the entertainment was fun, the food was yummy, the company was nice...the whole thing was free. Unbelievable how generous the town was to put this event on for the children. Very cool.

I am Gumdee, damnit! and thoughts on infertility and atheism, while we're at it...

Munchkin found BikeBoy's and my old Gumby doll and asked what it was. I youtubed some old episodes of "Gumby and Pokey" and she liked them (made me watch 4 of them in a row...heck, they weren't nearly as neat as my memory recalled!). She cannot remember Gumby's name, though...usually calls him Gumdee or Dumdee or Dundee! It is cracking us up! Almost as funny as "hang-gerber" for hamburger!

Now, onto infertility and atheism. Not that they are connect whatsoever except for the fact that people like to admit neither. IMHO, as someone who experienced infertility to the nth degree, it is something to be talked about, discussed even. I mean, I'm not advocating yacking on and on endlessly about it as many pregnant women will about their expanding girths (bitter? Me? Nah!) but it is not something to be ashamed of and maybe if we all talked about it a bit more openly it might help someone else, KWIM? There are options...treatment options, options to become a parent, etc. There are options...if you want to be a parent there is almost always a way.

That brings me to atheism. Why will no one admit to that either? Are they afraid of the wrath of a G/god they don't even believe exists? Are they afraid that the religious majority will somehow brand them with a virtual red "A" on their foreheads? There are lots of us out there and probably more and more every day. It's not a bad way to live...being skeptical of something of which there is absolutely (!) no certainty. I like to think that each of us has our own beliefs and that that is okay...whatever soothes our souls and comforts us in time of need (and some people need nothing and that is okay, too). I think atheism should be discussed more openly so that more atheists, agnostics, humanists, etc. would come out of the closet. Where are you, fellow disbelievers and questioners? On that note, head on over to the PBB website where Dale McGowan is now offering "webinars" that sound totally cool!

My own personal Salmon...

I keep forgetting to write about this. Back in October the salmon are swimming upstream around here, trying to get back to their birthplaces to spawn. In a nearby town there is an information center with a "fish ladder" with underwater viewing so that you can see the salmon as they climb the ladder and it is, probably obviously, right next to the river where you can also see them swimming up the stream...slapping into the water as they jump over and over again.

Well, this year it made quite an impression on Munchkin. It was cool to watch her watching the salmon. We had gone to the small zoo near us that day, earlier, and she said the salmon watching was even more fun!

Now she likes to pretend she's a "strong" salmon (as opposed to the weak, dead salmon we saw floating amongst the rocks at the edge of the stream!!), swimming up the fish ladder, when she finishes her bath. She "climbs," splashing like crazy, as I cheer her on (literally...I am making up cheers like that duo on the SNL re-runs and acting like a complete idiot, usually). This has been going on for weeks. Enter Gram this past weekend. Munchkin asked her to watch her bathtime. So...as usual, she pretends to be a salmon for a few minutes before she gets out of the tub. Gram--not understanding the whole routine and being a farmgirl from Maine, no less--pretends to cast a line and reel in the salmon! YIKES! The salmon freaked!!! So then Gram had to pretend that the salmon escaped. Phew...

Poor Gram...she had no idea that her granddaughter was such a little fish!

Happy New Ear!!

Yes, "ear"...last year Munchkin thought it was Happy New Hair and rubbed the top of our heads while wishing that to us! At any rate, it is 2008. Where does the effing time go? Really...where does it go?

The last two weeks were a freakin' blur...my mom came out for two weeks and it was glorious to have her here. It did, however f* up Munchkin's routine and she was a bear for about the first week but, once she got used to Gram hanging with us she calmed down a bit (not to mention the excitement over Xmas and the increased sugar consumption). We did so much fun stuff while Mom was here...Reindeer Festival, A Tap Dance Christmas Carol, saw the Christmas Ships on Lake W., saw the gingerbread houses at the Sheraton, rode two carousels downtown, rode the monorail, saw The Big Friendly Giant at the children's theatre...it was so fun doing all that and having mom along.

Meanwhile while Mom was here...back on the east coast one aunt died, one aunt fell outside on the ice and had to go to the ER, and the ex-wife of my big brother was hospitalized after a severe heart attack and may not make it. I just gotta get back there with all this crap going on.

I've had so much to do lately and still so much to get done (adoption paperwork, holiday cards, prep for the winter concert at preschool...) but I feel like I can breathe tonight. I made another batch of chap chae today and it was a double batch--I got a frickin' blister on my hand from chopping the onions, the carrots, the shitake-million-$-a-pound 'shrooms...worth it, though, as the dish was good. We had a great little NYE party for a few of our friends and their kids (all KADs) tonight and I made my own crazy ball for BikeBoy to lower like in Times Square! It had rows of crystal and silver beads and some silver pipe cleaners stuck into a styrofoam ball. WTF was I thinking! It was funny anyway. And, you know, the only 12:00 a.m. which truly counts is the one that occurs in NYC's timezone so after the other families left around 8:00 our time Munchkin, BikeBoy and I watched the countdown in NYC on tv and then it was pretty much over. They are both deep in dreamland now while I shopped on itunes a while (Queensryche's "Jet City Woman," Fiction Plane's "Two Sisters," "Dig" by Incubus, "Pretty Vegas" by INXS w/JD, and "Flagpole Sitta" which is actually an old Harvey Danger song but iTunes carries an "exacta" version of it by some other cover band) and am catching up with my reading/writing.

Oh, and let me plug holiday cards for a moment...I can't tell you how much I love getting them! I so love hearing from my friends and family, especially when a little note is included or a picture of them or something. I never throw them out (honestly). I look at the pictures over and over. It amazes me how lucky I am to have these wonderful people in my life even if I never get to see them in person. And one special group of gals--most of whom I've never met IRL, though I consider them "real" friends--so cool to hold the card in my hand knowing it once rested in yours. I love all my friends all over the US and world so much--maybe the importance of friends increases when one has no siblings. I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe everyone feels this way. At any rate, a handful of you are truly like sisters to me in my heart and I may never tell you this in person and I may not have seen you in over a decade or maybe only a few months ago or somewhere in between but...oh, heck...I should just tell you in person one day but I hope you know who you are! :)

And, while we're at it, let me announce it so that I'll feel some sort of responsibility...I am going back on WW tomorrow (or today now that it is 12:30 am on January 1st, 2008). I did 30 min on the treadmill yesterday and plan to do it at least 4 days a week. I also will return to tap once the studio re-opens. I have to get this bod back into shape. I don't know why I let stress take my eating down the road-of-no-return when I feel so much better when I treat my body like the temple that it is. And my friend, C, was over here tonight and she lost 71 lbs this year and now weighs less than I do! She rocks. She looks incredible. I suck. I cannot even tell you how much crap I ate in the last week or two...it would disgust you.

Well, that's it for tonight. Wishing you all a happy, healthy 2008 which brings you only good things! And I promise my holiday cards will get into the mail this year. Soon. Really. I mean it.