Trip Summary...

Well, I'm back. It was a whirlwind tour, to say the least. I got to see some of my favorite people on earth (cousin D and her new digs!; cousin D and her fam--which includes the famous Baby D who has now become a handsome toddler!!; U's D and H, A's J, H, and A, and cousin T) along with my mom and UG, of course! I saw each of my aunts/uncles/cousins for about an hour--not nearly long enough but better then nothing, right. And D has the cutest house ever--I told her how jealous I was and she doesn't believe me (because she thinks her house is so tiny, etc) but it is just lovely and I am envious--to have a place of one's own?...my dream.

I got to visit my "big brother" E's gravesite, too. He's been gone almost 3 yrs and this was the first time I had a chance to see it. The cemetary was actually closed because of the snow but I climbed over the gate and walked in. It's in a beautiful location in a field on a hill near the farm where his first wife grew up. His stone has beautiful etchings on it (of a police car and of his badge). As I touched the top of the stone and started "talking" to him a huge deer crashed out of the bushes near me and bounded gracefully across the field/cemetary. It scared the hell out of me and immediately made my tears turn to laughter! I asked E, "Are you trying to tell me something?!" But anyway, it was cathartic (in the emotionally purging sense of the word only!). I miss him. He would be 57 this May and it's not fair.

The biggest thing was that Mom and I got a lot accomplished. We met w/her financial consultant and visited 3 nursing homes/assisted living centers in hopes of locating something for UG. All three centers were very nice (so much nicer than where AS spent the last two years of her wonderful life--that made me sad). They didn't smell like nursing homes. The staff was friendly. I didn't overhear anyone screaming or any of the staff acting impatient with the residents. All three places, however, are over $4500/month. Wow. Not that I wasn't expecting that but the reality bites, let me tell you. One of the centers does not take medicaid either so...if/when the private pay dollars run out then UG would have to leave. The other two will take medicaid when the private pay dollars are gone but they both have longer waiting lists. So...we put UG on the waiting lists at two centers and will submit an application to be on the waiting list for the 3rd. In the meantime, Mom has located an adult daycare which charges $8/hour and she can drop UG off there up to 6 hours a day, Monday through Friday! Woohoo! She says she may schedule him for one full day a week there so that she can have some time to herself to get other things done or to just take a break. The $8/hour is cheaper than what she pays the two CNAs who do some private work for her ($15-20/hour). With the combination of the CNAs and the daycare I think Mom can finally see some relief headed her way.

Now, onto my opinions of things. I had no idea how much the home situation sucks for Mom. I haven't stayed at their house with them in about 4 years so I hadn't witnessed any of it recently. She fixes all the meals, she prepares all his medications (of which there is a whole slew). She takes his blood sugar and monitors his blood pressure. She makes sure he changes his depends frequently and that there are pads on his bed, his chair, and in the car in case his depends leak. She supervises his ambulation w/the walker. He is so unsteady (I think it's due to his neuropathy) that he is a wiggly, wobbly mess. He throws the walker up over the step from the breezeway into the kitchen then makes a big lunging lurch to heave his body up onto the step, too. It is just an accident waiting to happen (which will probably break his hip and cause him to be hospitalized). He can't remember crap.

Then mom is doing things like giving him options when he eats. Of course he's going to choose the cookies if she offers them...then he asks for 3. Of course he chooses the mac 'n' cheese, 2 rolls, and a piece of squash pie at the diner. This is not the proper food for someone w/diabetes but he doesn't really give a shit at this point (my opinion). He wants what he wants, you know? He's 86...what's it gonna do?...shorten his life by a day or two? Whatever. Then Mom gets short-tempered w/him for making bad choices (but she gives him the 3 cookies and lets him order the mac'n'cheese anyway). She gets irritated when he forgot to put another pad under himself during the night after he wet through his depends--the bed linens and the mattress were soaked requiring Mom to do even more laundry than she already has to do.

I see her lose her temper with him (and it reminds me of how I sometimes lose mine w/Munchkin)...it's not pretty...it's not how you should treat someone you love--but I do understand and I think it is normal. It just wasn't pleasant to witness. She's tired, she's frustrated and she needs help. I told her that if any of these NHs/ALCs has a spot open up we should just take it and move him in. It would be so much easier on her. I was stressed out just watching him walk around. He sometimes forgets the walker and starts to walk away or will start getting out of the car before Mom is there w/the walker. Yikes.

And Mom's driving. Yikes there, too. I drove most of the time but I wanted to see how she was doing so I let her drive a little the final day there. Eek. I definitely wouldn't want to ride w/her. I would NEVER let her take Munchkin anywhere, that's for sure. I don't know how much longer she will be able to do it on her own either--then they'll really be screwed, won't they?

I told BikeBoy, on the phone, that if I ever get to the state that UG is in right now he has my complete permission to give me an overdose of any drug which will kill me. Really. I would not want to live the way UG is living--he sits all day, he doesn't watch tv, he doesn't read much, he doesn't listen to his CD player any more, he just sits. And repeats himself when he talks--and he doesn't talk much, doesn't really converse much or initiate conversation. And sits some more. And then staggers scarily through the house to get to the bathroom or to the dining room where he eats and sits even more. Not many smiles or much laughter around the house. It was just hugely depressing to see him deteriorate so much since last August. And to see their relationship evolve from husband/wife to patient/caregiver.

Anyway, that's the long and dirty story! I'm so glad I went...we are more informed now and I think Mom was relieved that there are some options in the future. It was so good to see them and the rest of my family. It was good to eat an Italian sandwich, some whoopie pies and grapenut pudding! :) It was nice to have some "alone" time on the plane. I read most of two books (The Out of Sync Child and more of Parenting Beyond Belief). I watched the movie "Waitress" on my iPod (kind of boring, don't recommend it but it was a good diversion), listened to lots of songs, played a gazillion games of solitaire.... It was nice not having to think about anything else for a few hours. Now I'm back to reality--so good to be home w/Munchkin and BikeBoy--I couldn't wait to give them big hugs and kisses at the airport last night!