Adoption ramblings...

Ah...the frustrations of the non-fertile. As the waiting period for China lengthens and lengthens I am now second-guessing our decision to adopt from there. Is the wait going to be two years? Three? Four or (gasp!) even more? Should we proceed as we are planning or should we jump ship now and switch to another country (which will mean switching placement agencies, too, since our agency only does China adoptions)? Is it ethical to apply to two countries at the same time, knowing that we only want one more child and would pull one application as soon as a referral from the other country came through?

All along we have hoped for two daughters...just because I have never been around baby boys, little boys, boys at all--other than boy friends once I was in high school and college. China would allow us to request a girl. Vietnam has many more boys available for adoption than girls...I know I would love any child who joined our family but when I picture our family complete it has never included a boy--it's odd to even consider it (but also a little fun to consider it, I must admit). Maybe it stems from having been raised by a widowed mom and that I had no brothers (or sisters!). I don't know what it is (and I certainly don't mean to offend anyone with precious boys--I still love 'em!!!) but it makes me sad to think that we couldn't request a girl through most agencies which work with Vietnam. And some agencies aren't even taking new families now because they have such long waitlists.

Then I wonder if a boy and a girl would be as close as two of the same sex could potentially be? Again, not having any siblings I have no idea how I would've felt about a brother or a sister. I never really longed for either. Munchkin knows we are trying to adopt from China and has been excited about a future sister...will she feel the same if sister ends up being brother?!

Crap. What to do, what to do. Meanwhile, the paperchase continues...just not sure who/where we're paperchasing and if it's all for naught in the end...

No mama should ever...

have to bury her child. I don't care how old the child was...whether stillborn or middle aged or older...no parent should have to suffer this loss.

Thinking of Doreen today on this second sad "anniversary." Thinking of my Aunt (Clint's mom) whose 48 yo son died last Wednesday and she buried him Sunday--the day before his 49th birthday. Thinking of my godmother (Eddie's mom) who lost her younger son in 2005 when he was just 53. Thinking of my SIL who lost an infant (Josh) to SIDS in 1980. And too many others...

None of this should have happened. Don't know what more to say.

My cousin, Clinton...

...died yesterday. He was 48...would have turned 49 next Monday. He had diabetes since childhood and had been on kidney dialysis for the past several years but I just saw him in August and he was doing well. They believe he died in his sleep of a heart attack yesterday afternoon while napping. He leaves 4 kids--youngest 16. I wish I had known him better but I do know he was a gentle heart, a kind man. I'm so sorry for his family, especially his kids and his mom.

I love you, Clint.

Dad...

He would be 80 years old today. Instead, as I mentioned before, he's eternally 41. I'm older, right now, than he ever got to be. Weird. How I wonder what he would be like at 80; how our lives (mine, Mom's) would be different. He missed all my graduations, mom's retirement and the golden years with her, my wedding to BikeBoy, Munchkin. He missed concerts and birthday parties, recitals and vacations, Thanksgivings, Christmases, Halloweens, anniversaries. He wasn't there to wipe away tears, to bandage skinned knees, to hug and cuddle me when I still so desperately needed it. He missed time. Time to be a husband, a son, a brother, a father, a friend, a grandfather, an uncle. He missed it all.

And what a great man he was. Kind, gentle, soft-spoken. Lean and lanky. He loved sports, especially baseball. He had a smile and a wave for everyone. He could sing and play guitar. He could yodel! He had a soothing voice and he smelled like the cologne "Canoe." He had beautiful thick dark hair and hazel eyes.

I miss you, Dad. I speak with you every night but what I wouldn't give to spend even an hour with you today, to get to know you--even briefly--from my adult POV vs the 6 yr old child POV from 1968. I love you.

Forever your little girl...oxoxoxox,
T

Thoughts of Eddie...

For some reason this old Beatles' tune had me crying tonight. I was listening to Paul McCartney sing the song "For No One" on t.v. When he got to these lyrics, I just thought of my "brother" Eddie:

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be time when all the things
(he) said will fill your head
You won't forget (him)

In context of the entire song it doesn't remind me of Eddie at all but this one phrase stuck out and pierced me like a tiny dagger. I hope he knew how much I loved him...how I wish he could have met Munchkin...how I wish he could have lived to be an old man.

And, tomorrow my dad would have turned 80...instead of eternally being 41.

Damn cigarettes...they have murdered so many who meant so much to me.