Ethiopia is looking more and more promising...

BikeBoy and I have been talking a lot this week about the adoption of child #2. I think we will end up pursuing an older child (like maybe 4 years old, another girl) from Ethiopia. I am trying to do a bit of research while we wait (wait to decide if/when we're moving back East to help out my mom more; wait to decide to totally rule out our planned China adoption secondary to the 4-5 yr expected waits).

I have asked my friend B about her experiences due to my worries about safe travels in/out of Ethiopia. It's a little scary to me since the country is surrounded by other countries which are in turmoil...it is within 500 miles of Sudan, Somalia, Eritrea, Uganda and only a couple of thousand miles from Afganistan, Pakistan, Iraq, Iran... Not that 2K miles or even 500 miles is very close but it is close enough to be within the same country if we were here in the US, KWIM? And the fact that there doesn't seem to be a friendly border at all with Ethiopia (and no way out via water either) makes me a little claustrophobic.

At the same time, though, I am getting very interested in this beautiful country and it's people. I wish BikeBoy and Munchkin could go with me but--assuming we do continue with this process--it's doubtful that we can all go (too much money, too hard a trip for Munchkin, etc.). It will be weird to meet our new child by myself. I may see if one of my close cousins or friends can travel with me if we can't go as a family.

And, I need to familiarize myself with the adoption of older children and with the care of African hair! Munchkin's hair is so thick, straight and smooth...very different from my hair and very different from her future sister's hair! What a journey this may be! Please keep your fingers crossed. We probably will not make a firm decision until mid-2008.

Preschool version of bullying???

I chaperoned Munchkin's trip to the organic pumpkin farm yesterday. It was an exercise in patience. To start with, Munchkin freaked when I wouldn't let her take an armful of stuffed kitties on the tour (it was an incredibly muddy day and I didn't want to deal with her reaction should a kitty or kitties fall in the mud...not to mention that she would need her hands for picking a pumpkin, holding the handrail to the hayloft, etc.). I finally put one kitty in my purse and left the rest in the car but she continued to scream for a good ten minutes...the whole walk from the car to the farm, while waiting for the tour to start...it sucked. Plus, I had another child with us ("A," a girl whose parent couldn't make it) and I had to let the teacher and another mom handle her while I dealt with Miss Tantrum.

Then, A didn't really want to stay with me once Munchkin stopped the tantrum since she doesn't know me. She wanted to stay with "C"'s mom since her mom and C's mom are friends and they all hang out together. So...I kind of let her go with C's mom (C's mom didn't have a background check clearance so officially she couldn't drive another student--even a friend's child--on a school trip).

Then, C proceeded to take two hands and shove Munchkin in the back while they were all standing to have their picture taken before the start of the tour. Munchkin fell down on her knees into the mud and sat there. She started screaming, "I hurt myself!" and crying about being covered in mud. C's mom said she thought it was an accident and C proceeded to say, "I'm sorry" to Munchkin--one of those sorry's which makes no eye contact and sounds really insincere.

Then, the farmer asked all the kids to sit on the steps of the barn so that she could tell them about the hay maze up in the loft. There were four little girls on the top step and Munchkin walked up the steps and sat in the last spot next to them. Along comes another girl, "M," (a girl who Munchkin has always told me is mean to her) and M proceeds to grab Munchkin by the arm and say to her, "Munchkin! Get up! I want to sit there! Munchkin! Move! That's my seat!" Munchkin just kept holding her ground and saying, "No!" and after the bratty kid torqued her arm for the 4th or 5th time I saw my girl take her tiny hiking-boot-covered muddy foot and kick her in the shin! (YOU GO GIRL!) By this time, M's mom had finally taken notice and told M that she needed to sit somewhere else. (YOU'RE DAMNED RIGHT, LADY!)

THEN...we're walking through the pumpkin patch, headed back to the wagon for our ride back to the barn when Munchkin sees who is walking in front of us with his mom and dad. Munchkin proceeds to say, "That's N...he's the one who always pushes me on the playground!" N's mom heard her say this and says, "What does N do????" and I had no idea what to say so I said, "Oh, it's nothing, don't worry about it." and we just all kept walking. Of course, Munchkin has mentioned N at home, saying he pushes her a lot so I'm betting he really does.

So...we saw the pigs, we saw the chickens, we saw the hay maze, we chose a pumpkin, we had a hay ride, we got the hell outta there...thank goodness. And I now have plenty to talk about when I go in for the first conference of the year in 3 weeks.

It's hard to watch things like that start to happen to your own child. I remember the way it feels to be picked on. I don't want Munchkin to feel that. Ever. I know that's not possible but I really wish I could prevent it. She's now the oldest child in her class but she is still one of the smallest in stature...I think the other kids take advantage of this (or try to). I don't usually approve of kicking or hitting but I was so glad she finally kicked that little girl yesterday--she'd had enough yanking on her arm, she knew she had the right to sit in that spot, she knew the girl was being mean and my little girl said "no" until she was practically blue in the face--she finally kicked out in desperation and I didn't scold her for it.

BikeBoy thinks we should start looking into a TaeKwonDo class for her or something. Anything that might build her confidence and the ability to stand up for herself later on. I had heard that girls can be mean but I had no idea how young it all starts. I cried tonight telling my mom about it...I cried out of frustration that I couldn't prevent it, that I didn't know how to handle it.

But today was a better day...ice skating for an hour with a buddy and that buddy's mom--over an hour at the rink and it was a blast! Then we had Subway lunch with them. Then, after running errands, we ended up at the neighborhood park and many of the neighbor kids were there. Munchkin was so kind and caring of the 2-and-under set...she helped gather them up when their moms said it was time to go, she played peek-a-book with a couple of them, she played hide-and-seek with another, she kicked a ball back and forth with another. She just knows how to treat younger kids and the littlest ones just seem to adore her. It makes me proud of her and makes me think how much she will like being someone's big sister someday. :)

Adoption ramblings...

Ah...the frustrations of the non-fertile. As the waiting period for China lengthens and lengthens I am now second-guessing our decision to adopt from there. Is the wait going to be two years? Three? Four or (gasp!) even more? Should we proceed as we are planning or should we jump ship now and switch to another country (which will mean switching placement agencies, too, since our agency only does China adoptions)? Is it ethical to apply to two countries at the same time, knowing that we only want one more child and would pull one application as soon as a referral from the other country came through?

All along we have hoped for two daughters...just because I have never been around baby boys, little boys, boys at all--other than boy friends once I was in high school and college. China would allow us to request a girl. Vietnam has many more boys available for adoption than girls...I know I would love any child who joined our family but when I picture our family complete it has never included a boy--it's odd to even consider it (but also a little fun to consider it, I must admit). Maybe it stems from having been raised by a widowed mom and that I had no brothers (or sisters!). I don't know what it is (and I certainly don't mean to offend anyone with precious boys--I still love 'em!!!) but it makes me sad to think that we couldn't request a girl through most agencies which work with Vietnam. And some agencies aren't even taking new families now because they have such long waitlists.

Then I wonder if a boy and a girl would be as close as two of the same sex could potentially be? Again, not having any siblings I have no idea how I would've felt about a brother or a sister. I never really longed for either. Munchkin knows we are trying to adopt from China and has been excited about a future sister...will she feel the same if sister ends up being brother?!

Crap. What to do, what to do. Meanwhile, the paperchase continues...just not sure who/where we're paperchasing and if it's all for naught in the end...

Got puppets???

I'm on my next-to-the-last phone call this a.m. with a parent coach I've been working with (she's the friend of a friend, getting the last hours of coaching in for her certification--so I'm getting free coaching!!)...we're talking about ways to avoid conflict but still get our little ones to do the things we need them to do. She mentioned that there have been research studies done which show that children listen to/pay attention to puppets 10x more than to a parent. (she's going to send me the research links eventually) 10 times! She suggested using puppets as transitional aids like keeping one in the bathroom to get her to brush her teeth longer, etc.

So today, after I mentioned it to BikeBoy, two different times he used his plain old hand as a puppet (a la Oobi) and Munchkin immediately did what the "puppet" told her to do! It was almost freakish!So...bring on the puppets!!! I'm gonna keep 'em all over the house and I'm definitely gonna put one in my coat pocket for our next trip to the "market-store."

Happy Family Day, Munchkin!

Hard to believe but it was 4 yrs ago this very day that our sweet Munchkin arrived from S. Korea and was placed into my arms.

It was a beautiful sunny day but cold and windy. Her plane was a few minutes late. When "P," her escort, approached me I could see Munchkin was sleeping and looked pale so I couldn't cry (which I was expecting to do!) since I was worried she was sick. He assured me that she had been awake and cooing all the way from LA and had just a short time ago fallen asleep. She stayed asleep as I held her for the first time then passed her to BikeBoy. I still remember how good she smelled and how soft her skin was when I kissed her precious cheek. How wonderful it felt to hold this tiny person whom I had only seen in two pictures for the past 9 weeks and dreamed about for years prior to that.

She slept until all the paperwork was done and BikeBoy and I carried her back to the car...the wind woke her up. She proceeded to hold my hand and chew my finger all the way home.This weekend we celebrated (hence the trip to see "Goodnight, Moon") and yesterday I took her to the Build-a-Bear store to make a stuffed animal to go with a Korean hanbok I found on their website. She made a cat (a Hello Kitty one...she is a huge cat lover and usually has tiny "Smelly Cat" with her at all times)! Today is mostly a regular day but grandma wants me to pick up 4 big carnations to give her after school and we may try to go out to supper, too.

I always write her a long letter on this special day, too, that tells all her big achievements during the past year, her likes/dislikes/friends, etc. I also list my hopes for her for the future. I'm going to try my hardest to write letters to her foster mom and her birthmom (birthmom's letter will only go into Munchkin's file in Korea...in case she ever goes back to the orphanage looking for info)...will include a picture or two, too.

And I profusely thank her birthmother for making such a hard decision but one which gave such hope to her daughter and such joy to my life.

The rollercoaster ride begins!!!

We have made the official decision...we are pursuing the adoption of a second daughter!!! :) This time we are headed off to China as we are too old for Korea's program now. I am so excited yet haven't told many people IRL...I don't dare get my hopes up as I know the process will take at least two years and there are so many hurdles. What if something comes up in our physicals which would rule us out? What if China changes its rules again (it just made significant changes in December 2006 which take place in May of this year)? What if, what if, what if? I guess I won't believe it until we get our referral and even then it won't seem real until the three of us are over in China to meet our fourth family member. So begins the long wait and the long paperchase! I'm sooooo happy!!!!! :D

Mama's Special Words...

Munchkin has now decided that Mama says certain words that she shouldn't say. Words like "stupid" or "sucks." I never say them directed towards Munchkin or even another being but I do use them directed at situations which are out of my control or something that I'm not happy about.

Today I decided that those are now Mama's Special Words. Much like Mama and Daddy can drink soda and Munchkin cannot until she's a big girl. That some grownups drink alcohol and Munchkin cannot until she is a grownup. There are now words that Mama can say which Munchkin cannot.

I also decided that, when she is a little older, I want her to know my whole list of "Special Words." Just for the occasions when she needs them. She's small, she's Asian in a predominantly White community, she was adopted...there are lots of reasons she may get picked on later (along with all the typical things kids get picked on for!). I want her to be able to use these words judiciously when necessary! What the heck...the f-word, the s-word, the mf-word, the g-d-words, the j-f-c-words, the a-word! Let her have them all at her disposal! Yeah! That's my girl! ;)

KAAN Newsletter in today's email...

I love this newsletter...always learn something new or read something interesting. In today's letter I saw a link to a new website for Korean Adoptees and their families. I lurked a bit--feeling somewhat odd because most of the posts were by teenaged KADs and some of them were not warm/fuzzy. I felt a bit sad reading some of the posts, I guess. Hoping Munchkin doesn't feel anger at me for "taking" her out of her country of birth. For making her a part of a family which consists of only herself (at the moment!) and two caucasian parents.

http://www.koreanadopteeforums.com/forums/index.php

More later as Munchkin is waking! :)

"Your biography becomes your biology"

Meaning your parents are just as important as your genes.

I read this in an article on IF (infertility) by Marcelle Pick, ARNP. I don't know if I agree that your biography BECOMES your biology but I do think that one's environment is at least as important as one's genes. Interesting to think about anyway...wish I had more time to explore it tonight.

300,000,000 people...

So why are we glad about this number...our new USA population figure as of 7:30 a.m.? I know most people aren't cheering about it but I saw something on the morning news and it sounded like freakin' New Year's Eve!!!

My thoughts on this whole population issue are a little harsh, I guess. I truly think people should not procreate as much as they do. I know how strong the biological urge is but I think we should--at most--replace ourselves, you know? If you want more than one child (or two if you are part of a couple) then the rest should be adopted (and, better yet, adopt them all!).

It's not so much that I cringe at the fact that we in the USA have over 300 M residents but that this just adds to the overall world figure. How much longer can Mother Earth support us all?

And, I'm not really grumpy tonight...just rambling! :)

Korean Chusok Festival thoughts...

We attended a wonderful Chusok last Saturday evening. Delicious food, beautiful music/dance/drumming, wonderful friends. Yet, I felt sad...I look around the room and see families such as ours...mirror images which should be comforting (for lack of a better word). But, then I look again and see overweight, old Caucasian parents w/beautiful Korean kids. That's part of what makes me feel sad. I can't even explain it but I have felt that way before at a festival for Internationally Adopted Families. And I don't mean to be "weightist" since, until a few weeks ago, I was overweight--nearing obesity--myself (thank you weightwatchers!) and it's pretty obvious that I am old and Caucasian!

I think the other thing that makes me sad is that I feel the losses...the loss of biological connections for kids and parents. Not that it really matters...love beats genetics anyday, truthfully, but there is still loss and it is still palpable to me when I see families where the children and the adults are of different races. And, I realize that many parents adopted not due to infertility but many did suffer the losses related to infertility before taking the road to adoption. I feel those losses, too. With domestic adoptions the (sometimes) sameness of race masks some of the things that are (sometimes) apparent w/international adoption. I don't weigh the loss for the children and the parents the same, either...the parents still get to parent a child and have a family but they still get to know some of their own genetic history (unless they were adoptees themselves)...the children don't get to know a single person who shares their genes until they themselves have a biological child. I can't imagine what that feels like...I wish I knew so that I could help dd deal with it if she ever has questions/issues.

And it also looks silly to me to see the moms adorn their big hanboks...and even sillier to see the dads in hanboks. I wonder how KADs feel about that? Would they prefer their parents wear their typical American clothing or would they prefer they dress in traditional Korean finery? I noticed that one of the women there (an AP and a KAD herself) was just dressed in jeans (like I was)...and her son wasn't wearing a hanbok. Not that there's anything wrong with whatever one decides...just rambling thoughts!

"Can I go see my birthmama?"

What? Did I hear her right???

"Can I go see my birthmama?" she said from the back seat of the car as I buckled her in.

OMG. How do I answer this when it's my 3yo asking the question? I expected that question to come a little later in life.

So, clumsily, I said, "When you are older Mama will do whatever she can to help you try and find your birthmama but remember she is far away in Korea right now."

(small delay while dd thinks this one over...)

She smiles and says, "Okay!"

Phew (as sweat is wiped from my brow).